Recovering Resilience: Discovering Strength
By Eileen T. Geller
In facing our mortality and the process of our own aging, how many of us have felt all alone at times, bereft of courage, stripped of strength, set adrift in a sea of loss, horizons empty of lasting hope? How many of us have stood next to the bed of a loved one, watching helplessly the ravages of illness or the suffering of intense loss, wondering how it is that they, and we, will make it from one day, and one month, to the next?
It may be that a day, a week, or even a month or more goes by without the experience of anxiety or deep loneliness. But then, set off by any number of things-it might be a sight, a smell, an association -the sorrows and disappointments of the past seep back in, flooding our lives. It is during these times that memories and mentors can help us become resilient, discover and rediscover sources of strength that have anchored our lives in past storms, and which can, if remembered, anchor our lives once more.
In psychotherapy, resilience is now recognized as a vital component for helping a person endure and cope with ageing, sorrow, loss, and grief. Each one of us, it turns out, has a particular 'home-made' brand of resilience, woven from the strands of our total life experiences thus far, including the life lessons we've learned from heroes and friends, mothers and mentors.
To be resilient is, quite literally, to be flexible, to be buoyant-to float more easily. To be resilient in time of personal difficulty is to be less likely to be pulled completely under by waves of discouragement or get stuck permanently in undercurrents of depression or disappointment.
To be resilient is not to be untouched by these waves and undercurrents-this would be impossible, even unhealthy. Waves of discouragement and undercurrents of sorrow are simply a characteristic of life and loss, an unavoidable part of living. They are natural, or at least, expected. Over the course of a life, most people will feel strained by currents of discord, pulled at by the whirlpools of discontent.
The purpose of buoyancy and of resilience is to endure the inevitable waves and undercurrents of life and to move through them, all the while being buoyed by strengths gathered and honed through previous life-storms. And while it is true that a typical rainstorm and a gale-force hurricane have little in common with one another, it is also true that even in time of extreme difficulty, within each of us are strengths that lay forgotten and virtues untended which can help to strengthen us and support us through trials.
It makes sense: Remembering how we weathered past challenges can reconnect us with a reservoir of strength from which we can draw in the present. Because the currents of life-struggles can be overwhelming and because the undertow of sorrow is great, it is not uncommon for us to 'forget' that we have endured and grown through hardship before. The key to surviving and growing through aging-related struggles can be found in the distant or not too distant past of our own lives-and in the mysteries of our life experience, spiritual perspective, personal philosophy, or faith tradition. So, how does one access the strengths of resilience? How can a person become acquainted with the sort of resilience that provides a peace-filled harbor amid the storms of life? What virtues and practices have helped others be buoyant in the face of difficulty?
Rediscover Strengths
In times of struggle, it can be easy to lose sight of the people and the life experiences that have helped us through past difficulties.
Think about someone you know or knew well, say a mother or father, grandmother or aunt, a person who demonstrates old fashioned virtues to you, in good times and bad. Your grandmother, for instance, might not have stood out in a crowd, but perhaps she was patient and kind, generous and faith-filled, spirited and immeasurably strong. Your mentor most likely never won accolades in the press for the unassailable honesty and integrity with which he or she approaches, or approached, both work and life.
Our heroes in life might be our own mothers and fathers. Or perhaps not. Maybe instead, those whom we choose to model our lives after are friends or associates whose lived love has included sorrow and hardship, struggles and worries but endured and grown nonetheless. Your mentors are heroes, after whom you've patterned your life, and to whom you will always be grateful. Whether they've received public kudos is immaterial. Their love, and the sacrifices they made for you and for each other, is hard-wired into the DNA of your soul, welded to the lived experience of your life.
Perhaps your favorite individual hero was a sports figure-a great baseball player like Jackie Robinson or Carl Yastrzemski, someone who faced down adversity and succeeded despite, or perhaps because of, the odds against them. Maybe the one you honor most is a beloved teacher or kindly neighbor. It might even be a patron saint-a friend of God who has left you a holy example and words of inspiration to live by. Is there someone supremely special in your own life, someone whose wise words are recorded in your heart, saved for play-back in time of need?
Renew Hope
Hope might seem impossible to attain at certain times, especially when sorrow and stress weigh us down, and day after day seems to be dark, without the felt light of transcendence or faith. But hope is mysterious, and has a way of appearing when we least expect it. Hope endures through sorrow and blooms in the desert of our daily lives, even when we do not know it is there. Hope can be many things to many people, not the least of which is the hope that today might be better than yesterday, and tomorrow better, or at least more manageable, than today.
The face of hope is ever-changing, always constant. Hope can be a budding flower in a winter garden or the innocent smile of a child. It can be a friend calling to check in, or the grace of a memory, gently unfolding. It can be autumn leaves blowing, dancing, swirling in the wind. Or popcorn clouds floating, a great blue heron flying, a salmon struggling upstream. Hope is the heart of resilience-it is the golden thread connecting us to living the good beyond ourselves, leading to self-transcendent love.
Reaffirm Forgiveness
Asking forgiveness, receiving forgiveness, and giving forgiveness frees us from the dreaded weights of unlove. In life, the lack of love for self or others can snare us in dark undercurrents of hopelessness, trapping us in a quagmire of unforgiveness, preventing resilience, and complicating the rebirth of hope and the healing necessary for continuing to live. Whether the person who needs your forgiveness or whom you need to forgive is alive or not, speaking the following words can set you free: I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I forgive you.
Remember Resilience
Take time. Take care. Give time. Give care. Be aware of what (and who) drains your energy. When you feel 'tapped-out' by sorrow, consider limiting time with those who are 'net-energy-negative.' Increase the time you spend with friends and family who are 'net-energy positive,' those who feed your soul with loving-kindness, those who are 'Velveteen Rabbit Real.' In other words, spend your time with people who are unpretentious and genuinely supportive. Allow your heart-friends to care for you. And care for them. Consider reaching out to a friend in need or beginning some modest community service. You might be surprised how giving love improves the capacity for receiving love. And for healing.
Think and reflect on your heroes of yesteryear. Hear the wisdom of their words. Live the virtue of their lives. What about your Grandparents? Your childhood hero? That wonderful neighbor-lady and her husband? The inspirational figures in your life? Your patron saint? Try to remember the lessons you learned 'once upon a time.'
Think for a moment. Write down memories of your those you love, remember ways to 'look for the good in one another.' Think about what and who has inspired you. Be specific. Imagine how that inspiration might help you today-to be buoyant-to float through the waves of life's difficulties, so that tomorrow you might be the anchor for someone else struggling through storms of sorrow.
What can you glean from the lives of heroes and mentors, that might help you as you journey through aging, through illness, and on towards death? Recall forgotten dreams and unrealized hopes. Begin new hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Forgive readily. Heal regret. Treasure memories. Breath blessings. Love unabashedly. Live fully. Discover strength. Recover Resilience.